Whine whine whine
Jun. 18th, 2020 08:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kiriel123Ugh this is going to be a complaining post, so if you have somehow meandered over here, you can skip this.
The thing is, I am very lucky. I'm a middle class white woman who works in software. Unlike a lot of people in this pandemic, I haven't lost my job, and I also have the freedom to work from home, minimizing interaction with other people. I don't have to worry about paying my mortgage, or grocery bills, or things like having to take my cat to the emergency vet when she gets sick.
But I am so tired of working. The world is literally a dumpster fire. This virus is spreading, and even if it doesn't kill it apparently wrecks your body from the inside out, leaving lungs, heart, liver, whatever in a very bad state. Racial violence, which has always been rampant in the US, is primetime with all the murders that police have been doing. Not to mention the ongoing climate change crisis, plus all the fun results of pandemic shutdowns like economic recession and housing crises.
Like I am SO LUCKY. I know I am!! But every day I sign on to work on this software that is basically no benefit to anyone who is suffering, and I find it really! hard! to care! about any of our clients! Which makes working very difficult. But working is also very necessary because I like being able to pay my mortgage!
It almost feels like I'm still living my normal, pre-March life except now instead of going to the office I work remotely, and from the window I'm watching the world burn down. And I am VERY CONCERNED about the world burning down but it's like the fire is behind the glass. And the glass could very easily melt, or explode from the heat of the flames but right now it's not doing that.
And I just keep working, and looking at the raging inferno from the corner of my eye wondering when it will finally get me. Like if I get this virus and die, are these my last days?? Will working have consumed my final hours? I just find it really hard to see the point of it, and I'm doing precisely nothing to help anyone, other than maybe donating some money to organizations. It's like a pointless routine that just doesn't stop. Every week, Monday comes again, along with projects, deadlines, and customer commitments.
And like, even if I wasn't working, but somehow still financially stable so not worried, what would I be doing instead?? Playing around online? Reading fic/books, watching hours of movie/tv? Doing more virtual chats with friends/family? I don't know!! It's not like I really have anything else to consume my waking hours! And outside the window SHIT IS STILL BURNING.
This post doesn't really have a point. I'm just frustrated, and sad, and also feeling like I maybe don't have the right to be because I get to be on the other side of the window, with water bottles and comfort. And I don't know what to do.
The thing is, I am very lucky. I'm a middle class white woman who works in software. Unlike a lot of people in this pandemic, I haven't lost my job, and I also have the freedom to work from home, minimizing interaction with other people. I don't have to worry about paying my mortgage, or grocery bills, or things like having to take my cat to the emergency vet when she gets sick.
But I am so tired of working. The world is literally a dumpster fire. This virus is spreading, and even if it doesn't kill it apparently wrecks your body from the inside out, leaving lungs, heart, liver, whatever in a very bad state. Racial violence, which has always been rampant in the US, is primetime with all the murders that police have been doing. Not to mention the ongoing climate change crisis, plus all the fun results of pandemic shutdowns like economic recession and housing crises.
Like I am SO LUCKY. I know I am!! But every day I sign on to work on this software that is basically no benefit to anyone who is suffering, and I find it really! hard! to care! about any of our clients! Which makes working very difficult. But working is also very necessary because I like being able to pay my mortgage!
It almost feels like I'm still living my normal, pre-March life except now instead of going to the office I work remotely, and from the window I'm watching the world burn down. And I am VERY CONCERNED about the world burning down but it's like the fire is behind the glass. And the glass could very easily melt, or explode from the heat of the flames but right now it's not doing that.
And I just keep working, and looking at the raging inferno from the corner of my eye wondering when it will finally get me. Like if I get this virus and die, are these my last days?? Will working have consumed my final hours? I just find it really hard to see the point of it, and I'm doing precisely nothing to help anyone, other than maybe donating some money to organizations. It's like a pointless routine that just doesn't stop. Every week, Monday comes again, along with projects, deadlines, and customer commitments.
And like, even if I wasn't working, but somehow still financially stable so not worried, what would I be doing instead?? Playing around online? Reading fic/books, watching hours of movie/tv? Doing more virtual chats with friends/family? I don't know!! It's not like I really have anything else to consume my waking hours! And outside the window SHIT IS STILL BURNING.
This post doesn't really have a point. I'm just frustrated, and sad, and also feeling like I maybe don't have the right to be because I get to be on the other side of the window, with water bottles and comfort. And I don't know what to do.
